The Uncluttered Life

I've discovered something about myself that explains so much.  In fact, this is something that is universally true, at least as far as I can tell (not having taken world-wide polls or anything and basing my theory completely on personal experience and the entertainment industry).  The balance and distribution of power in the world now makes perfect sense to me.  It's all about feng shui.


Well, not specifically feng shui in the sense of everything being balanced, but certainly as it relates to space, design and decor. It is the difference between a shlub like me, and a highly-effective evil overlord. That difference is clutter.

I have to admit that I am drawn to old, Victorian-style houses.  Large rooms with darkly-stained wood trim and casements.  I would be perfectly happy in a parlor full of overstuffed chairs, velvet throw pillows, tapestries, fringed lamp shades and heavy drapes.  Oh go ahead, throw a huge braided rug in the middle of the floor, I will love it.  These kinds of rooms seem warm and secure, a place for people to feel insulated from the harsh world outside.  There are no sharp edges here, everything is soft, stuffed and covered in velvet.

I have decided that it is just this inclination that keeps me from wielding true power or achieving great status. Just compare this style with that of any famous evil overlord.

Take Dr, Evil, for instance, the super villain and arch-nemesis of Austin Powers.  Dr. Evil doesn't have comfy chairs or natural wooden tables, walls or surfaces.  Everything in his environment is clean, sharp, and utilitarian.  He doesn't have clutter.  In fact, if an underling begins to annoy Dr. Evil, or becomes a bit of clutter in his otherwise smooth-as-clockwork organization, Dr. Evil has no trouble disposing of him.  Even in the disposal of the offensive cluttering human, Dr. Evil doesn't abide mess or extra furniture.  He simply waves a hand and the offending underling's chair drops through the floor into an incinerating fire below.  What could be neater than that? There isn't even anything to throw away or sweep up. No clutter.

But evil overlords don't just exist in the movies.  Some of them are on television.  Take Simon Cowell, for instance.

Okay, so maybe you never thought of Simon Cowell as an evil overlord (or maybe you did), but he certainly meets the criteria.  First, he considers no opinion but his own to be of worth.  He is quick to dispose of people he finds annoying, unworthy, or unproductive in achieving Simon's personal goals. Simon can relegate people to their own personal oblivion with just a wave of his hand.  He holds the ultimate power over their futures. And if you do your research, you will find that Simon Cowell hates clutter.

Simon's house is all clean lines, mostly white furniture, walls, floors, tables, surfaces, etc.  Wherever you look, the house is white.  This isn't a problem for Simon, who says he bathes three times a day.  There is no clutter allowed.  His distaste for clutter has been cited as his main reason for never having children.  Children come with their own lifetime supply of clutter.

I will admit that sometimes I am drawn to these clean, open spaces that are kept an institutional white (hmmm, wonder if that is significant) but the feeling is short-lived.  For one thing, where would I sit?  I'd be afraid of getting the furniture dirty.  That may be the whole idea behind the white furniture without armrests - to keep anyone from feeling too comfortable.  An evil overlord has to keep on his toes.

And so what if evil overlords can demand excessive amounts of money to prevent them from blowing up the world or something equally sinister?  What are they going to spend the money on?  Just some more gadgets that drop their foes through floors into pits full of venomous snakes or something, or maybe invent some other weapon to threaten humanity and hold the world for ransom yet again.  It's a busy life, but a bit lonely.

Overall, I don't think I want to be an evil overlord.  Maybe it would be nice to have one of those uncluttered evil lairs for when you want to invite people over. Clean people, that is. People who won't track in clutter.

Color My World

This video is an absolutely hilarious scene from the film "Mr. Blandings Builds his Dream House". Myrna Loy goes to great lengths to describe to the workmen the exact hues and shades she envisions for each room.

I want it to be a soft green. Not as blue-green as a robin's egg. But not as yellow-green as daffodil buds. Now, the only sample I could get is a little too yellow. But don't let whoever does it get it too blue.

I love the guy's remark to his fellow worker - "You got that, Charlie? Red, green, blue, yellow, white".

Oh, if only it were that simple. I can attest that choosing paint is one of the most difficult tasks you will ever face. No paint chip is ever labeled "blue", for instance. It will be named "Cloudy Morning" or "Icy Stream" or "Montana Sky" but never, ever will the paint manufacturer admit that this color is quite simply, blue. In fact, if you were left with only the names of the colors, you might not be able to determine what color they are meant to be.

After much deliberation, we had decided on Marzipan, but ended up with Dusted Bronze which actually looks quite green. I didn't think Marzipan was supposed to be green and Dusted Bronze is only one shade darker. When bronze turns green, doesn't that mean it's old and dirty? I certainly didn't think we needed any more dust.

Actually, the name Dusted Bronze is a wonderful stroke of luck. The very mention of the possibility of any color even hinting at green was decried by all and sundry. I was not allowed to even think about anything green. But Dusted Bronze is acceptable, it doesn't sound green so no one seems to see green.

So, as long as I don't tell them that the walls are actually a light celery, they like it just fine.

They've Made Your Bed

Several years ago, I decided I wanted a nice bed. I had never had a real headboard or footboard, just the metal frame that comes with the mattress. I got tired of the pillows falling down behind the bed. So, I searched the internet and although I came across dozens of beautiful beds, to my mind, each posed dangers. The poster beds were so elegant but seemed just right for the children to impale themselves on when jumping on the bed. This one was too square, that one too sharp... my list went on and on. I finally ended up buying a metal bed with rounded corners but it wasn't what I wanted.

If I had only known then what I know now, I would have looked at Leather Beds a lot sooner. They are soft and padded and look great in any decor. Not only won't the children injure themselves on it, I won't either. I admit to being something of a klutz and I have been known to stumble directly onto the sharpest corner of any piece of furniture. A bed really shouldn't leave bruises.

As it happens, I did just get a bed. The one I got looks a lot like one on the Time4Sleep site that I posted the link for. It's the Savoy. But because I didn't go to the right place in the first place, mine is only faux leather (meaning vinyl) and it's going to cost me about twice that much and look only half as nice.

If you are looking for a new bed, I highly recommend a leather upholstered bed. They are so inviting and comfortable and give the room that designer look. But do it right, get a real leather bed for a good price at Time4Sleep.com.

Chacun A Son Gout

One of my favorite phrases is the French "chacun à son goût" or basically, "each to his own taste". However, the good old American "there's no accounting for taste" better fits my current decor.

Each and every room is wallpapered except the bathrooms and the kitchen. I have nothing against any of these wallpapers, most are of excellent quality and the designs are tasteful and quiet. Very quiet. Inaudible. That's really the problem. They are all variations on a theme of white background with nearly invisible shades of blush, pink or more white with a hint of silver. Any and all of them would be lovely in a little girl's bedroom, or Barbie's bedroom. The wallpaper that graces the front hallway and stairway looks like Barbie's bridal shower wrapping paper.

All this quiet elegance has a sameness and understatement that is coma-inducing. These great walls leading to impossibly high ceilings are covered in bridal gift wrap.

So, when The Girl decided her room should be painted a garishly bright pink and the doors should have zebra striping, I agreed much more readily than I might normally. And I am glad I did.

The Girl's room is like an ice-cold energy drink after an exhausting workout. It's like jumping into the cold Atlantic on a hot summer day. It's refreshingly not shades of white and silver.

There's color. Lots of it. Teen girl color, admittedly, but color.

I now look forward with heightened anticipation to all the new coats of paint of whatever color that we manage to slap on any walls in whatever part of the house. My eyes, which were slipping into a state of ennui, will be grateful for the stimulation.

And as for the garish pink, well, chacun à son goût, I always say.

The Elegant Rug

When I was young and proving useless and aimless (well, perhaps disinterested is a better word) I had a guidance counselor at school who felt that finding me a good way to expand my horizons might rev up my interest level in life and school and maybe even homework. So, off I went for piano lessons.

Although I was a poor student in that I rarely practiced, I enjoyed taking piano lessons and playing music. But I enjoyed going to my music teacher's home more than the lessons or the music.

She had a wonderful array of books and lamps and vases and items that evoked the style and attitudes of an earlier period. The house had atmosphere. There may have been rock n' roll and dayglo and tie-dye outside, but in her world there was Bach, Beethoven and a sumptuous Victorian elegance.

What I admired most were her gorgeous rugs, of which she had two. They were Perisan carpets of different color schemes, one mostly red and the other a delicate blue. This firmly set Persian rugs in my mind as the ultimate in home decoration.

This rug is nearly exactly like the blue rug in my teacher's front room. In my child's mind, it has become the symbol of what I want when I finally achieve my goals and have the home I want. I will build my decor around it, in fact, there will be a room dedicated to it. A bright, open room with shiny, hardwood floors and a shiny, black baby grand piano to perfectly accent my rug.

There are other criteria for this dream house such as that it must be by a lake or the ocean and I have this idea about a deck but all of that is very complicated so I am going to concentrate on starting with the rug. I will work up from there.